Tag Archives: self-help

Fuck You, I Don’t Need Defending…

*If the ‘F’ word makes you uncomfortable and you are of the belief (still) that ladies do not use profanity, this is not for you. Please check-out one of my more ‘calm’ post. This announcement is to avoid any and all comments addressing the vocabulary I use.

Now, back to business…

This is gonna be a long one so get comfortable; make a drink, pour some vino, pack a bowl or grab some fuckin’ ice cream if that’s your thing. Just do whatever it is you do during your parents-only time. It’s story time and self-love time with suburban mishap!

Black and White

So where does this title come from? Well, the short answer is it comes from my soul and it comes from a place of self-realization. And it comes from a very uncomfortable situation, and the therapy that followed that situation.

But the long version begins like this…

The sentiment “fuck you, I don’t need defending” entered my brain and left through my mouth during a very private and vulnerable conversation with my husband amidst a very real possibility of separation.

I am a deeply private and I always have been. I am pretty sure this is the product of both nature and nurture. My family being of mostly German and English heritage, I am predisposed to being a bitch. Then top that with all my childhood drama and shitty examples of ‘loving marriages’ I have, it is no wonder I have arrived here. Here being on the door step of separation with refusal to give up on my dream of being happy in the one life I was gifted.

Since I left the nest many, many years ago I decided that I would not repeat history. Even in my adolescence I knew I wanted better for myself; in every aspect of my life. My young mind recognized that as far as ‘normal’ was concerned, my life was not it. It was not normal in any capacity.

Recently I have discovered that for some reason longevity translates to success in some people’s minds. For example, my mother was married for I believe 27 years to the same man. So some might say, well hell, she must know the secret to a long and happy marriage… I assure you that particular long marriage was a shit-show. Frankly I do not have one example of a marriage that I want mine to be like. That may offend some people, but it is what it is.

In my way of thinking, it is impossible to apply advice when there is no similarities in the desired goal. I don’t just want to be married for many years, I want to be happy, to be loved and to be respected and valued. I would like to get out of this shell I am living in and be affectionate and playful with my husband. I want to be spoiled and cherished, AND I want to do the same for him. More than anything, we both want to display a happy and healthy marriage for our daughter.

During this conversation the phrase “but I defended you” was communicated to me a lot. So for me, the deeper question was this, why do you feel the need to defend me? Deer in the headlight response. You know why? Because I simply do not need defending. And in this particular instance I was reminded again of my favorite talk show host Dr. Phil   Oprah. He She says “no matter how flat you make a pancake, it will always have two sides.” When one person is telling YOUR story things can easily become distorted, goals become forgotten and before you know it you can find yourself playing for the wrong team.

I know this about myself, I am determined to stay on my path and be happy. Life is too fucking short and you know, sometimes it is healthy to remind yourself (especially with this nagging depression and constant anxiety) that you are enough. I live my life with honesty, acceptance, love, and kindness. I am a good mom and I can say that without even blinking. I try very hard to show my daughter that we treat other human beings how we would like to be treated. I take a front-seat approach to being a mother and my heart strings are attached so firmly to my daughter that she is in the forefront of all my decision making.

Before this turns into a Mother Teresa type read, I know for certainty that I am not perfect. I have a heaping stack of areas that need improvement and need my attention. But I know this, acknowledging them is half the battle and seeing progress makes any journey better. Dr. Phil Oprah has mentioned a time or two that you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge and I find this to be profoundly raw and simple to live by. Anyone who knows me now that knew me 5 years ago will tell you I am a different person, and not just because I now have my own personal side-kick.

I mention this because I am a person who requires proof and hearing from those who know me best allows me to say with certainty that I put self-work very high on my list of priorities. So as flawed as I am, I can say with confidence that I am moving in the right direction and I am staying on the path I want. Isn’t that all we can do?

If I was giving you my elevator speech, because say, you wanted to get to know me a little better…  I am a stay-at-home mom with two jobs that earn a steady income. I wait tables Friday-Sunday and babysit a few days during the week. I also make my husband help me around the house and sometimes I lose my patience with the members in my family. I know, what a dick.

It boils down to this simple notion, my dear readers. Fuck you, we do not need defending.

The intention of this post is NOT to make anyone feel anything other than empowered. It is not intended to be braggy or boastful in nature. I just know that sometimes it is necessary to remind ourselves of all the shit we are doing right in life and let all that chatter fade into the background where it belongs. If the chatter is your own annoying monsters like I live with, write it down and read that shit to yourself when you need a little reminder.

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The Year I Took for Myself

This will be known as the year I took for myself. I really started this over-due and difficult journey last year, but I am making it my official goal this year. Yes I set goals, and yes I stick to them. It is how my brain is wired. Now before you say, “I wish I was like that” read through a few recent post and then decide.

I am the person who wakes up and really enjoys writing out the days plans with her morning cups of joe. Yes you read that correctly, it takes multiple cups and I enjoy making list.

Anyway, I am taking this year to work on myself, do what makes me happy and find out what else makes me happy.

To accomplish this goal, I have to let go of a few things and change the way I think. For example, for some reason I have put people liking me really high on my list of importance. I must have,  because I really do care if people like me. Way too much. I over analyze every relationship I have ever had, nightly. Ok, not really nightly, but I do it far more than I would like.

I am the person who really wishes Facebook required a reason before they allowed you to use the unfriend option. It’s fucked up Facebook, really, it is. I need to know why this person who has requested or accepted a social media friendship contract and has abruptly ended it without my permission. I have to know WHY!

I digress…

I do know that in order for me to keep myself sane and moving forward I need to stop wasting the energy it takes giving a shit whether or not people like me. I need to stop working on this facade of perfection I have built. It’s wearing me the fuck down. I can’t keep all my ‘friendships’ afloat by myself and I need to recognize a dead friendship when I see one.

During our 6-month apartment stay, I was on a low. Let’s call it that. During that time I was forced to deal with some real mental health type issues. After losing too much weight, having a couple panic attacks and bickering day and night with Chris, I knew it was time to get my ass in gear and deal with this issue I knew would surface one day.

Let’s be real for a second. The odds have always been stacked against me in the mental health department. What I mean by this is that I am genetically predisposed to anxiety and depression, and I have enough childhood trauma to fill a two-day Dr. Phil episode.

Let’s not ignore the other elephant in the room. Having a child really pushes you to the edge sometimes. Having a tiny two-year old who knows everything and loves to hide really really well is tough you guys. With the sleep deprivation, constant mini-heart attacks and putting yourself on the back-burner (or what you perceive as the back-burner) can really begin to wear even the sanest person down.

So, in 2016 I have made it my point to get mentally strong, physically strong and emotionally strong. The plan to get myself there is pretty simple. Stop putting other people first, say no when I really want to, no more one-sided friendships, simplify my life (more to follow there) and spend time doing things that feed my soul like working out, going on dates with my husband and learning how to garden. And read, I remember enjoying that too.

My mom would be proud of me and that makes me feel good. So far my confidence is returning, my marriage is stronger for it and damn it feels good to sit in traffic and not want to take my skin off and walk home.

So join in my journey, take some time for you, and maybe learn a thing or two.

 

That was totally an accident and totally lame.

 

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