First and foremost, the minute you say your child will never do something you are sealing your fate. They will do that exact thing you swore your child would never do, and they will do it ALL THE TIME.
My advice is to go into parenthood with the expectation that you will see and say things you never thought possible. Drop any arrogance or self-assurance about your parenting ability and deal with chaos that is having a child. It is amusing and terrifying and everyone goes through it.
Here is a short list of shit I have said to Charlotte that I find both amusing and disgusting.
- Don’t play with your poop. No details are needed here, it is powerful all on its own.
- Please don’t eat lotion. Her response it what makes it the best. Me: Charlotte don’t eat lotion! (Panicked, crying, looking up poison control numbers) Charlotte: But it’s soooo good. Mommy, it’s so good! It’s delicious! Stop laughing, mommy it is NOT funny. (She doesn’t even describe food this way)
- Please stop clawing at and head-butting my chest. (We are going through weaning process)
- I’m sorry babe, you just can’t fly like a balloon.
- You can’t go to work yet; you don’t have a job. (She was hysterical when I told her this btw)
- Get your finger out of your nose.
- Get your finger out of your nose, now.
- Please, please stop putting things in your nose. [contact-form][contact-field label=’Name’ type=’name’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Email’ type=’email’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Website’ type=’url’/][contact-field label=’Comment’ type=’textarea’ required=’1’/][/contact-form]