Tag Archives: be happy

That time I took a 3 hour nap…

Yesterday, Thursday, was the day I set aside every week to post something new. AND I was a productive lady this week and started early, on Tuesday. But then I took a nap, a glorious three-hour siesta with my main girl.

Which got me thinking a little deeper about naps and why I find them so important. Even when I don’t get to take one regularly, my body eventually gives up the fight and falls into a day-sleep. A day-sleep is how I describe a three-hour nap; too short to be called ‘going to bed’ but too long to be categorized as a nap.

To set the scene, this week I was recovering from last Saturday when I didn’t have to work because it was so dead and when we went to dinner. I got sick, because that is what happens to people who do not normally leave their habitat. They get sick. I thought the two cocktails I decided to try and drink did it at first. Then I realized the problem was actually something I ate. I don’t want to go into detail as to what I consumed and what exactly took place because my intestines are still pissed at me. But anyway, back on track… I was trying to rehydrate my body and realized that when I finally stopped to take breath it had been like 6 hours since I had pee’d last and wtf is that about?

Why am I letting myself get too busy to drink water and to use the freakin’ bathroom? I can’t really blame my child; she is 2 and pretty much is cool as long as she is invited. Can’t blame my husband because, well, I am 33 years of age. It is not really his job to make sure I drink water and pee regularly. At least not yet.

So this weekly post is inspired by that experience. We simply cannot give the best of ourselves if we are not taking care of the vessel we were given. After all, we nag our offspring to hydrate and to pee when they have to. Why does this simple example of taking care of ourselves escape us once we reproduce? Well, I have a theory, but I will share my theory at the end of this post.

I know women who will argue until the death of them they that don’t need to do things like manicures or massages or take a bath. They don’t need to work-out, watch a movie alone or get really stoned, watch Dateline and Snapchat. They say stuff like “I just don’t have time for that”, or “must be nice that you get to do those things.”

I realized this week that I was running on fumes, both figuratively and literally. I was dehydrated, crampy, grumpy, tired and still putting myself on the back burner. It happens to the best of us. And it will continue to surface it other areas in your life when your load gets to full and you have nothing left to pull from. You get short with people, you get lazy, you get preoccupied with things that do not matter to you, you fall behind in life… So for the love of your friends and family, take a nap, take a bath, get a hobby or eat a damn Snickers bar sitting in your closet wearing your favorite heels.

My theory as to women fall short in the self-care category is because we have brainwashed over time to feel some kind of way about doing stuff for ourselves. Some kind of way meaning selfish, shameful, embarrassed or just plain nonchalant. To have hobbies other than gardening, sewing shit or working out to keep our bodies acceptable for society to look at were looked at as risky behavior. I mean seriously, through-out history our place has been in areas of domestication. Until recently, and I don’t mean like 2015 recently either. Open a book sometime, check out what people with vaginas have been up to.

It’s ok to be happy throwing down a delicious meal in the kitchen and also being totally interested in going shooting at the range. It is also ok to fall asleep for 3 hours and miss a self-imposed deadline. I am sure I have my critics out there who think maybe I am little self indulgent. And you know what, I am.

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I throw in the towel; I give up trying to make everyone happy.

The words I don’t care what you think have passed these lips a time or two. Both in a drunken rant and in a sober matter-of-fact way, but I never meant in. Insecure people are the first to say, “I don’t care what you think or what you say,” but that is because we care too much.

This year I decided to put in the effort to really mean it. I suppose I have been known to make a few decisions not really caring what people had to say, but I always had the backing of someone I view as important in my life. Like my parents or my honorary mom/aunt. This is the year I am taking to work on myself, so I owe it to myself and my husband and daughter to make that the new standard around here.

Having a mom and wife who is prone to stress about the crumbs on the floor, both at home and work, is tough enough. Stress takes years off your life, and that shit is not happening! So I officially denounce trying to make everyone happy.

Especially unhappy people. It is simply impossible; they got too much shit going on in their own life that all they know how to do is project. Project on you, on their significant others, parents, coworkers… hell, the cashier at the grocery store. You know these people. They are the ones SNL makes skits about. These are the people who only ask you how you are so that when you do the societal norm of asking them in return, they get to tell something awful. Something that is a total downer and unnecessary for you to even know. Like about their baby daddy not paying child support or about being evicted or losing a family member ten years ago today. Socially awkward asshats that you eventually avoid at all costs or never fall into the trap of asking how their day is going. *If you have never ran across any people like this, well, I guess you live somewhere amazing and alone, take lots of pills or you are that person.

I have learned through trial and error that no amount of compliments make this type of person happy, no amount of gifts, no amount of quality time… not even a box full of puppies or kittens. They have some deeper issues that need addressing, and chances are it is not high on their list of priorities. Probably because they remain oblivious and believe their self-centered way of thinking is normal.

I realize unhappiness narrows our thinking. Being unhappy creates a whole ‘what about me’ vibe and that shit is just plain annoying. I have lived it. When I am going through a depressive episode I feel pretty darn unhappy and it is all-consuming. I can only focus on how I am feeling and how everything pertains to me. Nothing really makes me happy, comfortable maybe, but not happy.

With all the things I am juggling right now and all the goals Chris and I have, I just can’t fit it on my plate anymore. I can’t waste anymore energy or take any more time away from all things I find important to try to make irrelevant people happy. I am not even going to go through the effort of making small talk with people who insist on sucking the positive energy and fun out of any and everything that they can. Even if they don’t realize it.

I have come to grips that we all can’t just get along sometimes. Sometimes, it is just not going to work out that way. I am not in charge of anyone’s happiness except my own and the people I grow. In an effort to stay on this path I have continued to have cell phone free time, just now I do it so much I have begun leaving it home when I leave. It gives me the chance to focus on the important things going on in that moment and not social media and neurotic family members. Sometimes that works, other times the focus shifts to my husband, but then it is his issue and I don’t have to even pay attention to it. That is what you call a win-win approach.

Join me in not trying to make everyone else happy, and make yourself happy! I have even started shutting down those Debbie Downers before they try to suck me into their pity part. They project their misery, and I deflect with positivity. When that fails I just tell them they are really bringing down my positive vibe, and when that fails I just tell them they are straight up depressing and to keep it to themselves. That works because they think you are a bitch and move on to gossiping about you and projecting all that toxic shit on other people. Boom! Problem solved. Another win-win for me.

You are in charge of your own happiness. It is not rocket science. It has been appearing on apparel and swag for decades. Haven’t you eaten a stupid fortune cookie? You can choose to be happy. You can choose who you allow in your life. You can choose to put you and yours first. If you won’t give yourself permission to do it, suburban mishap does!

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I would like to order a cup of denial, extra guilt and just a sprinkle of reality…

It is absolutely amazing to me that I have denied my own truth until recently. Or I suppose some would say that I have found ways to deny it, escape it or even explain it; ‘it’ being the reality of my mental health situation and how I got there. This post is not going to be about the latter of the last sentence though, so don’t exit this post just yet.

I just feel like my absence on my own blog is just another example of my mental health reality and another situation I can easily explain away. We just moved into a new house that took 6 months to build. We were cramped and unhappy in the apartment, blah blah blah.

But the absolute truth is I was in a pretty deep depression. The truth is I suffer from depression. And GAD.

I have always denied the depressive part to my personality. I believed in to be situation, brief and not a big deal. Certainly not depression. I mean, I have studied depression for years. It is BASIC psychology. Hello, half the world should be at least familiar if not an expert by the constant commercials cramming medications down our throats. I made joke after joke that maybe I chose that particular field of study to try and outrun what ever reality awaited me in that department. I don’t seriously believe that this is the entire case here, but I definitely believed I would see the signs or understand what was happening to me.

I have recently been doing a lot work on myself. Mainly for my daughter. I do not wish to repeat history, that has always been something I have been high-per aware of. This has included therapy sessions, starting medication, changing medication and spending more time doing things that help me feel better (baths, yoga, going to Target alone, etc.).

During this time, I have realized there have been several points in my life that I am sure I was suffering from a depressive episode. I have made horrible decisions, been drunk for years at a time and survived several situations I will never talk about in the company of my daughter.

I know that I feel much better realizing why and how I got here. Despite my best effort, I suffer from what many, many women suffer from. I got tired of all the anxious feelings, the constant sweating, the chest pains, the inability to control my emotions once I reached panic mode. I had to take control of it and get some help. Hiding was now impossible and being a good mom has become my priority so I had to put my pride aside, put my ‘I’m no slave to the system and pills’ attitude aside.

I feel so much better now, truly. And once I got my anxiety under control it became overwhelmingly obvious that there was more to the story. More I needed to realize and more I needed to work on. Slowly, after 32-33 years of life, the smoke cleared. I see myself clearly now. I see that I am broken,  but not beyond repair. I am prone to short and long bouts where my eyes remain puffy and dark from lack of sleep and long sessions of weeping. Moments in time where I say I enjoy laying around and binge watching a show, or sleeping during the day when I really have to no reason to be tired. I have began describing myself as and introvert, and maybe I am, but there is a difference in the level of desire to be around people when I am the throws of a episode. The thought of going out in public, just public, not even an event where I am expected to socialize, gets me all worked up and in a pissy mood.

The point of this brutally honest and exposing post is that I am coming out of one of those episodes and am feeling MUCH better am ready to get this blog moving forward again, and I feel like I have finally found my niche.

Going forward this blog will focus on mental health as well as all the motherhood, kitchen madness, photography and my struggle to adapt to suburban life (DUH). Let me know what you think!

Love,

SM

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