The Struggle of Medicating and Mothering

Let me please start by admitting that as my daughter grows, I grow.

After all, I am learning how to navigate delicate situations that will shape this human being for years to come. In the process I am learning how to be patient, be kind and to be as empathetic as humanely possible.

And I need help, everyday, to accomplish this to the best of my ability.

The struggle of taking prescription medication and accepting that this will be my life, forever, has been a hard pill to swallow. (pun intended!)

I think this feeling is due to my experiences growing up. I would bet that a large population of thirty-somethings and on can remember their parents or grandparents heavily medicated with prescription medication, and perhaps it was mixed with booze at times.

I remember my mother having a plethora of pills. Pills for every occasion, and she had no problem sharing them with me in later years. An over-medicated parent is not a parent, and so I can see the struggle with making the decision to go that route. I can empathize with the desire to keep your household medication free.

But after years of being in denial, the best thing I ever did for myself and my family was to get on medication. I take JUST ENOUGH of a dose that allows me to control my emotions and stay motivated to keep moving forward. I truly believe that spiraling out of control on a consistent basis is counter productive to your desire to live on your own, free of medication. In my own experience, my relationships are better, my day-to-day life is better and my motivation to go after my goals in heightened. And lets be honest, most people, myself included, end up self-medicating.

I think another reason that people tend to avoid treatment is that they sort of view mental illness as a ‘cross they bear’ and something they ‘live with’. For example, I never linked my chest pains or over active sweating and constant queasiness to anxiety. I thought it was just me, just something I had to deal with. The whole time I was just experiencing symptoms of anxiety disorder. Perhaps lack of education leads us to ignore it because it is an illness we can’t see on the outside; other than physiological symptoms you experience (i.e. sweating).

In reality, mental illness is not much different that the illnesses you can see, meaning it needs to be treated. Your brain simply does not perform the way a healthy brain does. Boom, there you go. If you can’t treat narcolepsy or schizophrenia with will power, why would you think you can treat anxiety and depression the same way?

“Hey, wake the fuck up and pull yourself together Carol…” or “you do not see or hear things that are not there, stop fucking around and get back to work Carol so we can make happy hour.” – side note: I am obsessed with the name Carol from that tennis scene in Bridesmaides.  “Get it together, Carol!”

Of course, prescription medication is the just one of the treatments I have in my arsenal. You need to exercise regularly and release those endorphins naturally. Get some vitamin D daily, breathe fresh air. Meditate. Find a hobby that makes your heart sing. And pet your cat (whichever one you want).

One of the ways my daughter is keeping me on my toes and keeping my mind always focused on the big picture is how she mimics my every move. In the morning, I take my prescriptions when I pour my coffee and she sees me do this every day. Well, this past month she has demanded that she take her ‘medicine’ too.

My heart crushes every time, because it brings me right back to my child hood and how I can still remember my mom and her pills. I cried about this my husband and to my girlfriends. I struggle with wanting her to see me work hard to manage my mental health yet I want to preserve that innocence of childhood. However, at the end of the day, she needs a mother who can keep it together and a mom she can count on.

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So for now, I will alter my routine and save that conversation for when she is developmentally ready. With how fast she is growing, that will probably be next week. Sigh.

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Ridiculous things I have said to the human being I created

First and foremost, the minute you say your child will never do something you are sealing your fate. They will do that exact thing you swore your child would never do, and they will do it ALL THE TIME.

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proof she is always scheming her next move

My advice is to go into parenthood with the expectation that you will see and say things you never thought possible. Drop any arrogance or self-assurance about your parenting ability and deal with chaos that is having a child. It is amusing and terrifying and everyone goes through it.

Here is a short list of shit I have said to Charlotte that I find both amusing and disgusting.

  1. Don’t play with your poop. No details are needed here, it is powerful all on its own.
  2. Please don’t eat lotion. Her response it what makes it the best. Me: Charlotte don’t eat lotion! (Panicked, crying, looking up poison control numbers) Charlotte: But it’s soooo good. Mommy, it’s so good! It’s delicious! Stop laughing, mommy it is NOT funny. (She doesn’t even describe food this way)
  3. Please stop clawing at and head-butting my chest. (We are going through weaning process)
  4. I’m sorry babe, you just can’t fly like a balloon.
  5. You can’t go to work yet; you don’t have a job. (She was hysterical when I told her this btw)
  6. Get your finger out of your nose.
  7. Get your finger out of your nose, now.
  8. Please, please stop putting things in your nose. DSC_0284 [contact-form][contact-field label=’Name’ type=’name’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Email’ type=’email’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Website’ type=’url’/][contact-field label=’Comment’ type=’textarea’ required=’1’/][/contact-form]

On the 5th Anniversary of your last day of freedom

When we met, we were as single as two people could possibly be. Both of us were established adults with careers and houses. I guess that is pretty common in today’s generation of dating, but the point here is that I think we have done a pretty amazing job at becoming a team.

In 5 short years we moved from Italy to Summerville, quickly bought a house, started our family, sold that house and built the house we are in now. Castle Garvey. There are many big life changes that are missing on this list that we have survived together like losing my mom, losing a baby, jobs, health issues… only to make us stronger as a team. You are really been my best friend.

I couldn’t imagine doing any of those things without you. In fact, I wouldn’t have. I would still be wearing boots somewhere, white-knuckling it along in life. Drinking lots of wine to cope.

Instead, I am in THIS life with you. Thank you for never leaving my side; even when I told you to. You saw through the facade, helped heal my wounds and taught me I could let someone else take the wheel.

You inspire me everyday. When you set your mind to something, it will be done. If you are enjoying the process, it is amazing what you can accomplish. As a father, well, I have never met another dad like you. You are something to be treasured.

I treasure you today, tomorrow and the next day.

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I can’t account for Sunday. I work. 😉

I love you my mister Garvey, happy 5th Anniversary. I look forward the rest of our lives together.

 

Accepting Who You Are

Sounds easy enough, to ‘accept ourselves’. Most people understand the concept of personality traits and can describe themselves and the people they know. Outgoing, loving, dependable, smart, troubled, unpredictable, rude, manipulative…

People can be tricky, though. We have a way of showing the world what we want and feeling a different way inside. We naturally have the ability to change ourselves and we evolve over time. Think about it, were you the same person 10 years ago?

Some people use their personality traits (honest, blunt, bold) to say whatever pops in their heads. No filter or empathy for feelings.

We can explain our behavior by saying things like, ‘It’s just who I am or it’s just what I do.” But the truth is when we say those things it’s usually a farce. Understanding yourself completely takes a lot of time and a lot of work.

Your Brain 

What people either forget or fail to understand is that there is an abundance of external and internal factors that alter your natural brain neuropathy. (This doesn’t always have to be a negative thing, either) Examples of external factors are physical trauma, sexual trauma, and abuse in general. Examples of internal factors could be illegal or legal drugs, eating disorders, and mental illness.

I have been an emotional person my whole life, however, I have  gotten progressively more emotional over the years. My own brain neuropathy was altered from external and internal circumstances that were out of my control, within my control and situations I was exposed to due to my own reckless behavior.

I remember in early elementary school a teacher told me that I wore my heart on my sleeve while another teacher told my I was missing the filter from my brain to my mouth. I have always said things that I immediately regret saying, still till this day. I have also cried at the drop of the hat, despite my best efforts. If I get really mad, I cry. If I get overwhelmed, I ugly cry.

It was a huge problem I had while I was in the military. When I got in trouble, which was not very often because people with anxiety would rather die than be in trouble, I would either cry immediately or as soon as I was alone. Puffy eyes always gave me away though and mortification would set in with self-hate pulling up the rear.

The motivation to become a strong woman who took no shit became my identity. I worked really hard to develop a back-bone and to be seen as a strong team member and not a weak female.  But to be clear, I was not winning first place or an Oscar, not even on my best day.

I am just emotional. To the core. I cry often, I smile often, I laugh often, I yell often, I am angry often and I am loving often. Maybe all in one day. It has taken me my lifetime to understand what being me means. Life has changed who was going to be, and has molded together the lady that you see today. I need a little outside help, and it takes a village to keep me moving at the speed I prefer, but I accept that.

As far as that filter problem, I am still working on it. I still say awkward things.

 

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To my Husband, About Yesterday

Yesterday was your birthday, and I realize this day hasn’t really been special to you for quite sometime. I am still trying to fix that.

I feel a birthday, no matter the age, should be acknowledged AND celebrated. Your life is not promised to you and it is not easy.

There are societal guidelines to follow (don’t shit in the street for example), expectations of you (earn money and pay bills with said money) and of course human principles we follow that make us a civilization (don’t slap people who make you angry, say thank you and perhaps get some paperwork that supports your ability to carry a weapon on your person).

You sir, did all of these and them some last year, you work hard to stay healthy and you woke up today. Let’s toast to that, shall we?!

I know we could not do much this year, as in go throw money away on food and booze, but we sure did fill the day with stuff that makes you happy. Dirt, quiet time, pizza and a mediocre cake that I baked you. And I loathe baking, dear. Yes I know, I had to have that mixer.

Anyway, this is a day late because I do my best work when the house is quiet and that is a rare moment around here. Your little likes to wake up ass early, just like her daddy. Today, however, she slept in and I found myself with some time to write and you were the first thing I wanted to write about.

I know yesterday was your day, but it got me thinking this morning  about how lucky I am and how I  have very fulfilled life. We both work hard on this life we have created together, we share similar goals and we have common principles that have held us together . I will save the mushy stuff for our anniversary next week, but I want you to know that I am a very happy and fulfilled woman, and that makes it easy to be a happy mom and wife. I love you, and I will continue to make a big deal about your birthday! Happy 37th.

 

Daddy and Charlotte

 

It’s true what they say about assuming, you know…

Assuming always makes an ass out of u and i.

I will start by admitting that I am someone who has the innate tendency to instantly assume if something is awry that I must have caused it. I assume that if a friend is mad about something, it must be linked to me.

At work if I am not vibing with a table, for what ever reason, I assume I will be getting a really shitty tip. Most of the time I am wrong.

I assume my husband knows when I am having a bad day and when I need him to be extra sensitive. That never works in my favor because as it turns out he really can’t read minds.

I assume my daughter will go to bed early if she skipped her nap, and yea that usually does not occur. I also assume that because she loves to swim in water outside, she will be totally cool with bath time. Nope. Apparently they are completely different, but not really.

I assume that my dad will always remember how old I am turning because hello, he is my dad. Now that I have to remember so many damn birthdays and special dates, I have to write down how old everyone is turning. Even myself; so he is forgiven.

We all assume people will treat us the way we treat them. With that notion I go further to assume that if I give 100%, those around me will too.

I assume that the people in my life have the same value system as I do, and that is simply not the case. I won’t give you a social psychology lecture but, with the melting pot of people that makes up this earth that is just not possible. Too many factors to consider.

So not only am I someone who has a tendency to assume, I am in a position that opens me up to assumption from strangers on a consistent basis. For some reason, a server in their 30s tends to leave people wondering where they went wrong in life. Why else would someone be waiting tables for a living past 29?

I get offered jobs, I am paid over-zealous compliments that feel laced with sadness and my favorite is when I get the plain ol’ sad eyes. If I have a table with a recruiter of any type or a retired military person you bet I will be asked at some point if I have thought about the military. Then when they find out I am a veteran of more than a decade I am ambushed with so many inappropriate and uninvited questions it is really appalling.

Let’s be real, there aren’t many professions, and food service is a profession, that you can go up to an employee and literally ask them personal questions and then offer them a “better opportunity in life.” I have been asked way too many times, “what my plans are after this?”

(Rant: I find it really worrisome that a mom who has found a way to earn money for her family and be a stay at home mom during the week has to defend herself to complete strangers at her CHOSEN place of employment.)

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On this self-improvement journey I am on, I have been paying close attention to my thoughts and the energy I put out into the world. I have realized that 10 out of 10 times I assume something, I end up feeling like an ass.

I think I am quick to assume partly because I am a naturally defensive person who can be insecure at times. Causation in my eyes would be nature AND nurture. I am naturally sensitive, mix that with the inevitable events of my life and you have: ME.

So I have become hyper-vigalant on the energy I put into this world and I am working on how I handle life and all of its messiness. Assuming effort, it takes brain power. I am trying to re-wire my brain into putting that effort into something that leads to a more positive outcome.

How are you with challengers, readers? Do it. Stop assuming. See what happens in your life.

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Stay in your lane, girl!

I cannot be the only early thirty-something (33 to be exact) who seems to be having trouble giving up late nights for early mornings. Giving up the cock-tail hour and dinner duo just doesn’t seem to be on my radar. Right now my life revolves around the high-energy two-year I have who does not sit still like society would like her to. She is the loud girl staring you down from two booths over; the one who zero awareness of your boundary issue.

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And I am her proud, tired mother. I still desire to hang out with my childless friends who still tell me stories about waking up somewhere weird or finding someone hanging out with a litter box while passed on out the shitter. Then there is me, I’m like, “oh cool, what kind of litter box is that? I am getting a kitten to add the family!” Fail.

I am socially awkward yes, but I love to entertain. I love to cook and decorate and drink with friends. Only now, I do all this after chasing/playing/cleaning up after my child all day. I usually attempt to ‘hang out’ (I use that term loosely) on Wednesday or Thursday which are may days off from working either in the home or out at the restaurant. These days are also days that I have to squeeze in activities for Charlotte, appointments, errands, etc. So they are not usually relaxing in nature.

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I used to enjoy running errands by myself. Listen to music, dance and sing in the car, get some coffee and knock it out. Man, that ship has sailed. Errands can only be described as awful when you do it with a toddler. At least with the combination of my low patience level, her inability to be calm when she needs to be, her need to explore everything and her desire to walk as SLOW as possible. She has one speed at home… zoom is her speed at home. My point is that I am often exhausted by the time the day rolls around to being time to cook and get ready for guest, then entertain.

Plus if it someone new my body automatically enters fight or flight mode from the mere stress of it all.

So guess what happens. I have my two to three glasses of wine and pass the fuck out with Charlotte. Every. Damn. Time. When I say I will be right back, you might as well say good night and plan on seeing tomorrow. For real.

Did I mention Charlotte is phasing out of naps too? I am in the throws of the potty training, meltdowns, picky-eating, non-stop running/climbing/falling, nose picking stage of parenting and I guess I am having trouble transitioning from the semi-cool mom to the busy and exhausted mom.

I need to cut the shit and stay the fuck in my lane. I need to realize that you can’t mold yourself around your friends like you might have in your youth; that shit just doesn’t work. I can now check-off going to sleep before 8 pm while your guest are downstairs waiting on you. I can also say that I have entered the realm of my life where I can no longer blend in with twenty year olds. I just feel uncomfortable and maternal now. The phase is complete. Charlotte has even started saying, “oh mom, you’re so silly!” She is two people. I embarrass her at two.

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So I guess even though I have like 10 types of leftovers in my fridge on the daily and the biggest bottle of Pinot Grigio that Barefoot sells, I can’t have you over. Unless you understand and accept that I am now the host that forgets to offer you water and will most likely talk too much about Charlotte and Chris. But I will keep your glass of wine full and probably be pretty entertaining until I pass out.

I realize that my pool of potential friends is already small and it is shrinking every year I age. I am an anxiety-riddled, socially awkward (at times), overly opinionated and brutally honest momma bear. I am a MS graduate that chooses to wait tables, labels herself as non-religious (for safety reasons), and I am an outspoken supporter of MMJ. Oh, and I reside in the DEEP SOUTH by choice. I am seriously a duck out of water as far fitting in socially around here, but that’s ok. We like the Spanish Moss and we have a good 8-hours before any family can ‘stop by’.

I am getting back in my lane. If I don’t I might start falling asleep the day before company arrives!

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Journey Continued…

Summer has a way of lapsing time, doesn’t it? The heat, the consistent summer storms, new adventures outdoors, repeat adventures outdoors and then playing catch-up indoors. With the rise in temperatures I find myself so exhausted by 1, that if I sit down for any amount of time in double digits I am asleep. Like for real. The heat sucks the energy out me; it’s a rough life!

I am not doing a very good job of keeping up my writing schedule either, with all this extra napping brought on my the overwhelming heat in the south. I have been so caught up with work and keeping up the new house I haven’t even made it over to meet the new baby in our little circle. Westin, I promise, I am coming!

Anyway, for me summer adventures include the outside pool, the sprinklers, the beach, and of course the new park (new for us) and mini-playdates if I manage to remember to plan one and then follow through. My kid loves to be outside and moving, and the poor girl gets the power sweats like I do. So we are often incorporating water into whatever we are doing. Somehow June came and went. I think I saw one of my friend’s so far this month. Oh, and she lives next door.

I am sure this is situation; toddlers tend to make the days seem like groundhog’s day. The attempt to keep a routine while creating summer magic for a tiny person who will never remember most of the days I spent planning for her is a constant struggle. But that is ok, it matters on a higher level.

In the past I would let this really get to me. The fact that I have not kept up with my writing schedule, let some of the chores go from time-to-time and have done zero product reviews and not stressed about until I lose sleep is pretty nice. I have let other things become more important like playing with my daughter on demand, sporadically baking something, playing with and loving our new kitten Mavis, and of course my favorite taking a long hot soak. If you follow me on Snapchat I am sure you are sick of seeing bubble baths.

I have also been expanding my year-long journey of self-improvement to include reading and learning from literature that folks I find inspirational have published. I am almost done with Kate Hudson’s book Pretty Happy and I just got it. That says a lot since my extra time is usually spent driving, napping or bathing. I am learning so much and finally have a spiritual path that I find to be alluring for my lifestyle. More on that later, of course.

In the past couple months at work, I have worked hard on talking less and listening more. Listening to my customers, co-workers, management, friends and family. They may not all agree, but I am giving it may all! Anyway, I found that there are a couple personality characteristics that really turn me off; which hit me deeply because I can recognize some of them in myself.

Negative people. The folks that are complaining the majority of the time and like to trash other people. I work with too many negative people, and I have noticed that negative people are toxic. I mean they have a tendency to suck you in and set the tone in the space that they are in. The constant complaining can become catching when you are frustrated and or having a bad day/time. You follow suite and then you pass that negative vibe onto someone else.

Folks with a superiority complex. I only ever come across these people at work; customers who frequent O’charleys. The tend to talk down to me, don’t make eye contact with me, talk over me and have zero manners. I don’t understand this, on any level. Talking to someone any way you please because you feel superior in some sort of way. In my experience, it is usually retired civil servants and white middle-aged women from a state more northern. I don’t want to get too specific, and I am only speaking from my experience. I can’t help but think that the attitude comes from them feeling superior to me because I take their order and clean their mess. Sometimes I get the sad eyes. This poor girl is here waiting tables, I wonder where her life went wrong?

I know I need this journey because my first instinct is to always get defensive and start spouting out my resume to anyone who listen. It is such a waste of energy, and my getting upset and letting me myself get spun up shows me I have a long way to go.

One thing I have learned and incorporated into my life so far into this journey, is that I am in total control over how I use my energy and what energy I project into the world. I have become a more positive person so far and I have a new vantage point on the people I surround myself with. Sometimes we have to be in the company of negative people or people who are just ugly inside, but when you let your positivity shine it changes the situation entirely.

I hope I can inspire you!

To be continued…

Everyone isn’t going to like you, and that sucks.

You see, I am a people pleaser and when things go sour with someone it isn’t possible for me to just shake it off. It will eat at until something new takes the place. Like seriously… I am neurotic to the point that I analyze any interaction I had that day that felt toxic in some way, virtually or face-to-face. I am always offending, annoying and scaring someone. Maybe it is that exhale sarcasm and suffer from resting bitch face. Or maybe it is that I take the whole ‘treat people how you want to be treated’ way of thinking and apply to all avenues of my life. I bet it is that whole missing filter thing I was warned about by an elementary teacher. Anyway, I usually find myself in trouble with someone.

I realize that not everyone shares my way of thinking and that is normal considering we all come from different walks of life. But I will share my opinion as this is my blog and the whole point of suburban mishap.

I am a server right now, which means I work in the service industry where you have mostly high school kids, young adults in college, older adults who can’t really be employed anywhere else and then my group (moms who want to raise their own kids so they choose a job with flexible hours). I have to tell you, the new generation of adults entering the work force is scary as shit. I am not sure if the kids I work with literally have no work ethic, or they just feel like it can be situational. Perhaps they don’t take being a server as a serious job, and I get that. But to go there and literally throw temper tantrums when someone didn’t ask you if you ALSO wanted a milk shake with your dinner order that was delivered to you by a nice person who willingly did a food run. Or to literally walk right by someone who is doing the work that is assigned to you while the manager yells at everyone walking by for help. Who is raising these lazy and self-obsessed brats and setting the standard of acceptable work ethic?

These same types of individuals are the first ones to notice and comment if someone gets something  and they do not. Maybe my husband has a valid point about handing out rewards and ribbons to everyone who just participates. I’m not positive there is a link, but you know I see a very real ‘me me me’ mentality from the young people just entering the world. It goes further then my generations average know-it-all mentality. Now it is the know-it-all attitude and wanting a fucking reward for it.

Has society encouraged parents to keep focus on responsibility and discipline so much that they forget humility and work-ethic? I won’t even go so far as to include teamwork, because I am sure I learned that during my 11-year Navy career. But I can most certainly say that my parents made sure I knew what hard work was and humility before I left at 17. I was always reminded that someone out there has it worse that me when I was feeling sorry for myself, as most young minds do.

It is a struggle for someone like me who wants to people please, make friends, avoid the scary people and just enhance the over all environment in a positive way. I get bent out of shape if someone doesn’t like me. Even if I really don’t like the person to begin with, knowing they feel some way about me eats at me. It’s that incorrectly wired brain of mine.

So where am I going with this rant? Well, things have bubbled up at work and I am on some shit lists. Why? I really really do not like people who do not pull their own weight in the work place. No matter where the work place happens to be. Hell, if I were a prostitute, I would be the hardest working girl with the cleanest corner and organized drug bag. So when I have to drag my tired ass to work in the evening, it makes me a little pissy when I end up doing the work or like 4 or 5 other people. What people? Those darn high schoolers and young adults (plus one or two 40 year olds)  who would rather sit around and complain instead of passing the time, Idk, doing their job. Our job isn’t that hard after all. The bottom line is, what really pisses me off about it, is that my tips, as well as others, suffer because we have to spend time doing another person’s work because the manager gets fed up and starts yelling at everyone they see to get SHIT DONE. So you see, it is like a domino reaction. If I see something that needs to be done, assigned to me or not, I do it if I can. That is a foreign concept to way too many people I know.

After awhile I get annoyed, bitchy and I let you know in some way or another. Then, people start not liking me. If  I could just go to work, do the bare minimum and go home I would be voted most popular. Hands down. Ok maybe that is too far, but it doesn’t matter because that is not me. And dammit, who the fuck wants to be that asshole? I remember long long ago, in my previous life, having quite a bit of beef with a few of my senior female bosses. I generally thought they were meant and picking on me… I still remember each and every one of them and how angry and confused I ended up feeling around them. I respected them though, and I certainly I learned from them. So this is where I have to let this go. I have to learn to except that I am finally old enough that I don’t get the older generation and now I don’t get the younger generation… cest la vie.

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That time I took a 3 hour nap…

Yesterday, Thursday, was the day I set aside every week to post something new. AND I was a productive lady this week and started early, on Tuesday. But then I took a nap, a glorious three-hour siesta with my main girl.

Which got me thinking a little deeper about naps and why I find them so important. Even when I don’t get to take one regularly, my body eventually gives up the fight and falls into a day-sleep. A day-sleep is how I describe a three-hour nap; too short to be called ‘going to bed’ but too long to be categorized as a nap.

To set the scene, this week I was recovering from last Saturday when I didn’t have to work because it was so dead and when we went to dinner. I got sick, because that is what happens to people who do not normally leave their habitat. They get sick. I thought the two cocktails I decided to try and drink did it at first. Then I realized the problem was actually something I ate. I don’t want to go into detail as to what I consumed and what exactly took place because my intestines are still pissed at me. But anyway, back on track… I was trying to rehydrate my body and realized that when I finally stopped to take breath it had been like 6 hours since I had pee’d last and wtf is that about?

Why am I letting myself get too busy to drink water and to use the freakin’ bathroom? I can’t really blame my child; she is 2 and pretty much is cool as long as she is invited. Can’t blame my husband because, well, I am 33 years of age. It is not really his job to make sure I drink water and pee regularly. At least not yet.

So this weekly post is inspired by that experience. We simply cannot give the best of ourselves if we are not taking care of the vessel we were given. After all, we nag our offspring to hydrate and to pee when they have to. Why does this simple example of taking care of ourselves escape us once we reproduce? Well, I have a theory, but I will share my theory at the end of this post.

I know women who will argue until the death of them they that don’t need to do things like manicures or massages or take a bath. They don’t need to work-out, watch a movie alone or get really stoned, watch Dateline and Snapchat. They say stuff like “I just don’t have time for that”, or “must be nice that you get to do those things.”

I realized this week that I was running on fumes, both figuratively and literally. I was dehydrated, crampy, grumpy, tired and still putting myself on the back burner. It happens to the best of us. And it will continue to surface it other areas in your life when your load gets to full and you have nothing left to pull from. You get short with people, you get lazy, you get preoccupied with things that do not matter to you, you fall behind in life… So for the love of your friends and family, take a nap, take a bath, get a hobby or eat a damn Snickers bar sitting in your closet wearing your favorite heels.

My theory as to women fall short in the self-care category is because we have brainwashed over time to feel some kind of way about doing stuff for ourselves. Some kind of way meaning selfish, shameful, embarrassed or just plain nonchalant. To have hobbies other than gardening, sewing shit or working out to keep our bodies acceptable for society to look at were looked at as risky behavior. I mean seriously, through-out history our place has been in areas of domestication. Until recently, and I don’t mean like 2015 recently either. Open a book sometime, check out what people with vaginas have been up to.

It’s ok to be happy throwing down a delicious meal in the kitchen and also being totally interested in going shooting at the range. It is also ok to fall asleep for 3 hours and miss a self-imposed deadline. I am sure I have my critics out there who think maybe I am little self indulgent. And you know what, I am.

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Photographer, writer, life-coach and kick-ass mother and chef. Fuck you, it's my blog I can say what I want.